New Friend Etiquette

This week's To Parent post is contributed by Heather N.  Thanks!  If you have a post you'd like to share or a burning parenting on Okinawa question, please send it to toparentonokinawa (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Arriving on the island is a bit like the first day at a new high school. You stumble through the doors desperately scanning the crowd of students wondering who you can make friends with. You muster up all your confidence and approach the friendliest looking person you can find. You then cross your fingers and hope it all works out.

I wish I could say it gets easier but after being here a year I realize that it may not ever be easy for me to make new friends. I have also realized that people move on and off the island constantly and making new friends is going to be something that happens over and over. While I am getting better at stepping outside of myself and meeting new people I am not very good at what to do next.

You see, I made a new friend the other day! I met her while I was feeding my girls a “healthy” breakfast of doughnuts and chocolate milk at Dunkin Donuts. We chatted for a long time. So long that my girls grew restless and threatened mutiny if I didn't shut up so we could leave. The best part is that I scored her number and information.

As I was driving away basking in the glory of a new found friendship I was suddenly conflicted. I have never traded information with another Mom like that and I have no idea what to do now. Do I call her or wait for her to call me? How long should I wait to call? What do I say when I call? I doubt "hey remember me the crazy chatty lady from Dunkin Donuts" would go over very well. Do I invite her and her children here or suggest we meet at a neutral location? If I do invite her over here what should we do? Should I plan our playdate for before or after lunch? What should I wear and dress the girls in when the get-together occurs?

I am sure I am making a bigger deal out of this than I need to but I have no idea about New Friend Etiquette. All of the other Mom friends I have made have been neighbors, fellow church members or part of a playgroup. In other words they are people who are forced to see me on a semi-regular basis so they can not avoid being friends with me. This is all new territory for me and I am not sure how to proceed. The closest thing I can reference is dating... but I was always the one giving my number then!

Comments

[Tracy]

You have put down in words how so many of us feel! I met a Japanese lady at America Fest on July 4th (I have been on the Island 8 weeks). We traded e-mails and then I thought ... what next? I decided to invite her to meet me at the Tedako Festival a couple of weeks ago. I was very nervous, particulary about the language barrier but I went armed with my English/Japanese lang dictionary, and you know ... it was fun! despite the communication barrier :) Our children also had a blast! They communicated by hopping, jumping, laughing and holding holds! Children are very wise ... they didn't need a dictionary to communicate :) Be yourself, pick a place/date/time & go have fun (It will be OK & may even be great!!!) ... Good luck!

[Dasha]

Hey Heather! :) You are not alone *HUG!* I get sooo tired of making and losing friends due to PCSs. Sometimes I think I'm not going to bother anymore! But I miss my girl time, so that's not really an option.

Maybe your new friend will read this post and reply with her suggestion for a great get-together. If not, why not meet at a neutral location for a picnic? If it's too hot at lunch, then do mid-morning snacks. The kids will be able to run off energy but it still leaves plenty of time to get to know each other. Plus, if you feel a shy or awkward moment coming on, you can use your kids as an excuse to take a breather from the conversation (push them on the swings, go tie a shoe, etc.).

Keep us posted!

[Danielle M.]

Making new friends is SOOOO like dating!! I'm the same way with the nervousness and doubt sometimes. I meet people I really like and then I don't know what to do next....will I be bothering them if I call or email? They're probably busy right? Everybody's busy....this is how I talk myself out of things! I just need to remind myself that I'm a 30 year old woman, not an awkward teenager. And pretty much everyone based overseas is in the same boat as you....they're far away from their friends and family and would love for someone to reach out to them. So yeah, I'd call it a work in progress :)

[Charity Faith]

I think Danielle hit the nail on the head. We overthink it. We think they're too busy. But aren't we all busy...but still wanting friendships? I think that's the point. Yes, we're busy. But, yes, most of us out here would still make time to cultivate a new friendship.
How? We don't know what to do next. I think when you've found someone that you hit it off with...don't be afraid. There's not enough time here -- just jump in! (I lean towards being shy, so this is hard for me too. I have to work to do it.)
I'd say start by calling (or emailing) and saying how much you enjoyed meeting her. Then offer up ideas of what to do. Maybe a few different dates/times that you're available? I'd start somewhere neutral until you know eachother better. Love Dasha's idea of the park and using swing/shoe tying as a "break away" if need be. I think sometimes it can feel like a date so that's a nice option.
Just remember, be yourself! You want her to get to know you. Remember, the people who love you and love to spend time with you now do because of who you are! Hopefully your new friend will too. :-)

[SMorgan]

Your post really made me laugh! It was just perfect!
Everyone feels this way - if only we could all accept that and go easy on each other!
I always find myself thinking 'well, she probably has tons of friends already, and what if I don't fit in with them?!'
This is my 5th year as a military spouse, you'd think it would get easier!
I say call her! Invite her somewhere that is fun for the kids and go from there - I find that making it a 'playdate' takes the pressure off, even though we all know it is really a 'mom-date'.
The worst part is, when you think you found a friend and she turns out to be nuts - but we are all here on this tiny island and all of a sudden you see her EVERYWHERE! Talk about uncomfortable!

[Missy-the island newby]

I have to say,I was worried about making friends when I moved here. But on the way, I chatted with ladies and then I saw them again-b.c they were also going to the same places as me. I found that for the most part, they were going through the same issues as myself. I just swapped numbers and let them know that I was here for them if they should ever need anything and they did the same for me. Eventually once things settle for us, I am sure that we will be in touch. Just enjoy being with others, if they are a true friend, in the end-they will like you for who you really are, not who others think you SHOULD be. No worries, Enjoy new things together. You were guided to that particular person at that particular time for a reason. Hang in there. I wish you all the best. There is so much to do here, just meet up again and enjoy each others company.

[Kate]

I'm so happy it's not just me who feels like making new friends is a lot like dating. I don't have the added excuse of children or pets so for me making new friends can be more challenging - I can't organise a play date without any kids - that would get me labeled as a nutjob! I think everyones previous suggestions are spot on - send a nice email suggesting something casual and neutral. Worst that can happen is that 'potential new friend' will say no, right?

[Deanna]

Hey Kate-you wanna be my friend?! LOL-I do have pets and that probably helped me make some friends but doing some volunteer work around the island and such-you meet a lot of people and once you get talking-I just make the plans right there. "Hey you wanna go workout one day? Thursday? What time? Where you wanna meet?" You go to the gym or to get some ice cream and you learn a lot of those "pre-dating" preliminaries. Shopping is fun to do together too-grocery shopping. Once you have broken those pre-jitters going out to different places on the island are a blast!! You can always invite the "new contact" to a tupperware/party lite/pampered chef/etc for some girl time and get to knows. Good luck and seriously Kate-I'm all about getting to know more people and telling them everything they can do on the island!! I'm also a part of OAARS-Okinawan American Animal Rescue Society, and we are always in need of volunteers!!

[Megan]

This is a great post! I always feel like after about 5 minutes I know if I'm going to hit it off with someone, which IS a lot like dating. Obviously, you passed the 5 minute test so give her a call!

Deanna -
We are arriving in Oki in 2 months. Would love the info on OAARS so I can volunteer there! Can you post it please?

[Deanna]

Megan-Absolutely!!

Here is the post about OAARS here on Okinawa Hai.

http://www.okinawahai.com/my_weblog/2008/10/oaars.html

And here is the OAARS site to contact any of our board members or coordinators to get more information on our upcoming events and foster needs.

http://www.oaars.org/
http://www.oaars.org/howyoucanhelp.html

If you have any other questions not addressed on the website-go ahead and ask me.

DeAnna
oaarstreasurer@gmail.com

[Laura]

Wow! Im so glad I saw this post today! We are pcs'ing to Kadena in only 9 weeks and it is not only our first move but also our first time overseas. We are all so super scared. I am pretty shy, as is my oldest son, and the biggest worry we both have is how to make friends. Hopefully I will run into some friends folks like you soon after landing and it will all work out! You girls keep doing what you are doin'...it nice to see folks pull together!

[Michelle]

Overseas tours are always odd like this. Just know that everyone really does feel the same. This is my second Japan tour, and I have to confess it hasn't gotten any easier in the "making new girlfriends" dept. We've been doing this military thing for quite a while now, so typically, my best friends have been made through activities I've gotten involved in. Some have been made volunteering at the kids schools (when they were younger)...other friends were made through hubby's "optional" socials...still others were made through churches we attended. But, kids are now older, I'm currently burned out on volunteer work, we haven't yet committed to a church, and hubby's work involves little to no organized get-togethers...weird. But what doesn't currently work for me, may help give you ideas. :^)
It is definitely easier to meet new people & make new friends, in the first few months- when surrounded by other newbies or people helping to settle you in. So, take advantage of that time! The cool thing about friends over here is that everyone seems to bond quicker and become more like family, than just friends.
So, don't give up if you've been here a while. If you're new or heading this way, add the friendship thing to the many brave new adventures Japan offers you!!