CONTRIBUTED BY HEATHER NORDELL
The past few weeks we have been in preparation mode getting everything ready for my husband's deployment. It honestly is amazing we got everything done and taken care of in time for him to leave. We have been so focused on what he would need or what I would need that we didn’t think about the girls. I am still a bit of newbie when it comes to deployments as this is only the third time my husband has been gone for an extended period of time.
This deployment is the short one before the longer one later on this year. I figure this is my “test” so to speak to let me know if I can make it though the longer one. You see, this is the first time I have taken care of both my girls by myself. Things are not going so well. He has been gone less than a day and I am already feeling overwhelmed. I hadn’t expected the onslaught of questions about where "her" daddy is from my oldest. She was very young the last time he left so it wasn’t so hard on her – she understands more now. I knew there would be tears but I hadn’t anticipated how heartbreaking the whole situation would be. Needless to say I feel a little silly for not preparing better. I looked through the site and found that both Meredith and Staci have written about deployments but there wasn’t much about helping children deal with deployments.
I know that there are many of you who have dealt with more deployments than I could even imagine - after all, this is the military. Trust me I fully understand how lucky we have been so far. So dear readers will you please share your deployment wisdom with me? Here are a few of the hundreds of questions that have been rolling through my head through out the day.
- How do you all help them understand where Mom or Dad is?
- With your older children how much information do you share and how much do you keep to yourself?
- How do you help the time pass quickly for your children till they return? And last but not least how do you keep your sanity without your partner physically there to support you?
I totally determined to walk away from this year full of deployments better off. I want/need to make this work so I hope you all can help me figure out how!
Heather-
This will be year two of deployments, and now I have two so things have gotten a little busier! There are two things that really help.
1. Keeping a tight routine (bed/bath done by 630)- so that I can have some time to myself in the evenings. Otherwise it feels like the day never ends and I am fried.
2. For some reason, hanging around other “deployed” families helps..When my oldest gets sad (hes 3 1/2)..I’ll say something like “Eli’s daddy is on the ship with daddy”- and that really helps. Not sure, but somewhere deep in his head- he puts it together.
Hang in there!
One of the things we did before we left were make “daddy movies” We videotaped dad reading to the kids (3yo and 5 yo) their bedtime stories over a few nights. Now they watch 1-2 stories everynight with Daddy reading to them. Dad sent a videoback of him reading to the kids( because I got really tired of hearing the same curious georges night after night), but they really like the one with them in the movie too, so they can see the interaction between them and Dad.
Then it’s a carefully glossed explanation of why dad is away, helping people fight the bad guys, he’s with lots of Marines, they work to keep each other safe. I’m not sure how much I would share with older kids since we’re not there yet.
Pick and choose your battles and activities. When my husband was here we tried to do an outing every weekend, now it’s only every other weekend or so to places I know and feel and feel comfortable taking the kids to- zoo, comprehensive park, aquarium. If your activities were keeping you busy before, try to stay in your routine. I don’t think there is anything to make the time go faster. We are nearly six months into my husbands deployment and it’s still not going by fast.
My husband has been home for 6 months after being gone for a year. Here are a few tips that worked for our family.
-I printed off pictures of Dad and taped them up around the house.
-Daily, we would talk about something that Dad does or what he might be doing…etc.
-Schedule was very important. However I quickly discovered that I had to drastically reduce our daily load. It was too overwhelming to do dance and other extracurricular activities.
-There were regular times that my 4 year old would just cry and scream and flail. My take on it was that he felt feelings and didn’t know what to do with them. I just held him through the fighting and then we just cried together.
-I think that it’s important that you try hard to compose yourself during this time, but don’t be afraid to show your emotions every once and awhile.
-There were days when we just threw out our schedule and went to the park all day, someplace fun, just for the kids.
-We would make new little routines as well. For instance, after school we would play on the playground for 15 minutes. Everyday.
-While my husband was away my 5 year old wouldn’t talk to him on the phone. We never forced her to either. I would put him on speaker while I talked to him so that she heard him as well.
-Take advantage of the give parents a break program!!!! I felt like I would be a bad mom if I did, but ended up having to to stay sane. I would just got home and clean or enjoy the quiet, or watch a movie or even take a nap. The kids also had a blast playing with other kids.
-We also made a paper chain for the amount of time that Dad was going to be gone. Of course as it gets closer you can add a link or two if you need too. We didn’t focus on counting them, just getting one day closer.
That is all I can think of right now. It’s not easy I must admit. Just do what you need to do to survive and help the children do the same.
Oh as for what Dad is up to. I used an old globe to show the kids where dad was. If it is a location that you can’t discuss, tell the kids the truth. That it’s a secret place where people really need Daddy. They need Daddy to help them. This is where Daddy is working right now.
The time difference was fun too. We would discuss what time it was where Daddy was. Then we would try to figure out what he was doing, like eating dinner, or getting ready for work, etc.
How old are your kids? You didn’t post the actual ages. But, when my oldest was like 3 and Daddy did a UDP to Okinawa (LOL!) he would send letters and post cards addressed just to her. She loved that, she still has them in a box somewhere. I know it’s hard to gauge the exact date that they are coming home, but you should have a general idea. I got a calendar with big boxes in it and wrote a countdown on the days and then every night before bed, the kids would cross one day out and we would clap because daddy was one day closer to being home. Let them color pics and write letters to daddy. he will cherish them. My hubby still has all the letters from like 12 years ago.
Also, I sent hubby some coloring books and HE colored pictures for the kids of their favorite characters and what not. When he went to Iraq, there was a place that made these pillows that were of cammie material and you could take in a picture or they had some templates of characters or bears, etc. He got each of them a pillow for the Christmas that he was away with their names on it. You can check them out on my myspace page. My name is devil_dawg_wife.
As overwhelming as it may seem, you will be fine. Don’t keep too strict of schedule. If your schedule is too much, then cut down some. I think it’s important to keep bedtimes, mealtimes and bathtimes the same. That will make it easier for you and the kids. Have “whatever” nights, which in my household is, “What do you want for dinner”? and everyone chooses what they want. That’s something that hubby doesn’t like, so it is the thing between the girls and me. Most of all, just go with your gut. You will know when it’s getting to be too much. Go to the unit functions, too.
my husband’s been gone for almost 2 months now out of a 6 month deployment and we have two little girls, who will be turning 7 and 5 within the next 6 weeks. this is the second deployment we’ve gone through as a family, so we’ve figured out a few things that work for us.
first, as others have mentioned, routines are so very important. they help the kids with the passage of time….because really, what is 6 months to a 5 year old? they can’t imagine what it really means. but we also chuck that routine right out the window when we’re having a really bad day missing daddy. we’ll do something fun, like have breakfast for linner (you know, that meal that can fall between lunch and dinner — linner).
we also talk about daddy alot around here. i’ve shown them on a map where he is in relation to where we are (and where grandma and grandpa are for that matter). we talk about the time difference and how daddy sleeps while we’re awake, since he works nights. and as far as telling them what he’s doing, we stick to saying that he’s doing the same job as he does here…just over there. we just talk to them about how the air force needs daddy to work in different places sometimes, which is why we move all over the world.
overall, i think we both really stressed the idea of approaching this time as “girl time”. we do our toe nails a little more often, we giggle over girly shows more often, we even girled up the house with pretty candles and fresh flowers all the time. it makes it seem like a special fun time instead of a sad lonesome time.
and seriously, take advantage of the give parent’s a break! the kids benefit from the time with other kids and you get the chance to recharge. i was one of those mom’s suffering from a lot of guilt the first time, but then i discovered that my kids loved it and they look forward to it now as a special treat.
it’s not an easy time for the kids, but as long as you keep in mind that they may act out with whining or crying more than usual, and just give them the room to do it, you’ll all be ok. good luck to you
My husband is currently gone right now and it’s the first time that my 3 1/2 year old is having a really hard time with it. I found that making a paper chain has been the easiest way for him to see when Daddy is coming home (each morning he practically runs downstairs to rip a day off!) And keeping some sort of a routine especially bedtimes so you can have your evening to decompress from the day.
sooo hard to deal with- and heart wrenching when you’re little ones are hurting and you can’t give them what they want and need so badly- their dad.
During my husband’s first deployment my son was two. He had problem after problem as he struggled to deal with the stress of missing his dad. He started wetting the bed and then couldn’t go more than a few hours playing without wetting himself (he had been totally potty trained for months and suddenly lost all control of his bladder). When he got back on top of the potty thing he started stuttering. My perfectly articulate son who was developmentally way ahead got to the point where he couldn’t utter more than three words without getting completely stuck. A speech pathologist helped us to get his speaking back on track. Then he started crying. He would just collapse sobbing inconsolably for 30-40 mins at a time. I just sat with him and cried with him. What else could I do?
Now, before my husband deploys I make each of our kids their own “TDY” book which explains in their language with their photos how much their daddy loves them, why he has to go, what they can do when they miss dad, and daddy’s word that someday he WILL come back to us. I read each child their TDY book before bed, and on bad days we read the books over and over…
When my husband deployed I tried to reinforce everyday to our little ones that daddy loved them and missed them. “When does daddy love you?” (all the time) “Does he love you when he’s here with you? (yes) Does he love when he’s far away? (yes) Daddy misses you very much. Daddy always loves you- even when he’s far away.
I tried to give them outlets. I told the kids that when they were really sad about missing daddy that they could wear daddy’s cover to help them feel better, they could draw a picture for daddy that we would mail to him, or write him a letter (littlest ones would dictate to me). They could talk about it to me or with another person. Many nights my little boy fell asleep wearing daddy’s cover (uniform hat).
When daddy deployed to the desert we spent weeks studying the desert: it’s climate, the customs of the desert peoples, wildlife, ect (we homeschool). Daddy sent postcards from the desert and brought the kids back stuffed animal camels. For the little ones he would put pogs (cardboard military coin money used where he was stationed) in all of the kid’s letters. They would get so excited about the pogs they would forget there even was a letter. POGS from DAD!! and everything is OK for at least half a day.
He tried to write the kids a letter two or three times a week or sometimes more. Sometimes he sent a whole bunch of letters and (when my kids were too little to know better) I hide the letters and sneak one in the mailbox everyday so kids could get a letter from dad everyday. Before my husband deploys I give him a huge stack of self addressed stamped envelopes with stationary. Most of the time all he writes is two or three sentences with a big smiley face or picture at the bottom of the card. The kids don’t care what he writes so long as it’s from their dad and has their name on it.
Oh, one other thing- we NEVER say that daddy went “Bye Bye” or had to “Go”. We always emphasize the military term. For us (Air Force) that’s TDY for temporary duty. No, daddy didn’t go “bye bye” he went “TDY”. This way, when daddy finally comes home the kids don’t flip out if he runs to the quick shop for gas and tells them “bye bye” or puts on his uniform and says he has to “go” to work. Upon his return he reassures them whenever he goes out the door that he’s NOT going TDY- he’s just going to work for the day. That trick has helped us to cut down on post deployment drama.
good luck. it sucks. hang in there. I gave up and moved in with my parents with a new baby, toddler, homeschooled kids and all for the duration of my husbands last two deployments. But we lived stateside near my family. Once we get to Okinawa (in three months) and he deploys and I can’t run home to my parents I don’t know what I’ll do.
Just to piggyback off of the paper chain idea…some parents fill a jar with M&Ms (one for each day he’ll be gone times the amount of children of course). The children get to have one a day and, like the paper chain, they are able to have a visual to show them that “the day” is coming closer.
Heather, here’s a *HUG!* for you, and one for every other person reading this who has a deployed spouse! *HUGS!* I know exactly what you’re going through! There is a program here on Foster called “Deployment Buddies” – that connects older kids from the high school with younger kids from the elementary school – all of them have deployed parents. It’s a great program for everyone – the younger kids see older kids surviving the same situations, and the older kids who may not always express their feelings to us parents are comfortable talking to the younger ones about it. Both of my kids participated in this program and only had great things to say about it.
I have noticed that my 3 year old boy gets very aggressive when dad leaves. My husband is a VERY active play sort of Dad and so I tried wrestling more with my son and chasing him around the park and I have found that if I can suck it up and get kicked a couple of times during a wrestling match he is MUCH less aggressive. You will find out what your kids need because you know them best and because you are a good mom you will give it to them, just don’t forget to get what you need so you always have more to give your kids when they need you.
Ladies I just want to give you all a big (virtual) hug! You advice is so wonderful and more than I could have hoped for. Thank you!
Renee my girls are 20 months (too young to understand) and 5 (knows a little more about what is going on).
Sheena I am right there with you – I have always had family to help or to “run to” when my hubby went TDY. This is the first time I have had to deal with it all alone. The jury is still out on whether I will “run home” for the long deployment this summer!
I am one of those “home is where you make it” people, therefore, I would not take my kids from their home and go stay with my parents. I’d be afraid that as they grew up, they’d realize that mom can’t handle things on her own, and they’d stop depending on me. Not to mention the fact that when we’re talking routines, I’d think moving them overseas and back AGAIN would be about the biggest disruptor of all. I have 3 kids under the age of 6 and we just finished up a 14 month long deployment, so I definitely understand how hard it is…but I refuse to “run home” every time my husband leaves. Home is HERE, because “here” is where we are.
However, everyone should do what is best for them–this is just my .02
Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
I ran home to my parents when my husband was finishing up his retraining and had to go TDY to TX for five months. My kids were only a year old and 2.5 then. Now that they are school-age and I’m getting the hang of this stay-at-home mom gig, I probably would stick it out on my own in the future. But the time that I DID stay with my parents was invaluable for two reasons. I would have gone stir-crazy for one. And my kids and parents had the chance to bond. My oldest to this day has a very special relationship with my parents that he would have missed out on if we hadn’t of stayed. Great post Heather N!
I, too, am not one of the run home type of people. I did move back to my hometown when hubby went to Japan unaccompanied for a year, but I lived in my own apartment with my kids. We wouldn’t have been able to stay at Lejeune anyway, since hubby was not going to go back there after his tour. I’m kind of glad we did that because my mother got cancer and died a week before we left MN for CA. So, my kids did get some bonding time, but they were older too and used to the moving thing. It’s a personal choice, I guess, but normally for a deployment (not PCS) I wouldn’t go home. Maybe go for a visit, but moving back might be confusing for them at that age.
But, have you heard about the Daddy Dolls? It’s at http://www.hugahero.com. They have all different kinds of products. They have these small stuffed dolls, where they put daddy’s pic on them and they have a little recording device where the dad can say something, like “I love you” or whatever. My kids are too old for the dolls. They do have blankets and pillow cases and a few other things. Your kids are the perfect age for this. That way they can snuggle with daddy every night when they go to bed.
On “Running Home”
Our home is not a designated place but rather the people that God gave us to belong to. For the last 12 years we have moved, on average, once a year. Moving around is a normal way of life for our family and the kids are used to this nomadic lifestyle. An extra trip during dad’s deployment adds fullness, not chaos, to our life as we share meals, conversation, work, and love with our dear extended family.
Moms were never designed to “handle things on their own”. It’s not in our nature because we were created to be a helper: not a one-man-show. Even if we manage to “pull it off” it’s not good for us or the children in our care.
If a military spouse is blessed enough to have extended family who will open their homes and hearts to meet the needs of a (temporarily) fatherless family, I see this hospitality as a good thing, especially if the extended family includes a grandfather who can meet the needs of a little boy (like wrestling as Sue mentioned) by being a male role model.
Military children often grown up with little or no bond with their far away grandparents so, like Kandy mentioned, these long visits help our children share precious moments and form close bonds with loved ones whose lives they would ordinarily miss out on.
I know my children will forever cherish the precious time we stayed with their grandparents during daddy’s deployments.
Also, because we home educate, these extended trips do not interfere with our children’s ability to study or learn, but rather enhanced it.
Living with another family is NOT easy and it’s not for everybody.
Ladies, if you do stay with family during a husband’s deployment, don’t feel guilty about it; feel thankful that you have blessed with such a supportive and loving family.
That’s my .02 on “running home”.
We have been fortunate enough that we haven’t had a long deployment since the end of 96. Back then our children were very young. Since then we have had 2 to 3 months here and there but nothing like what we are now facing.
Now we have a 7 plus month deployment our children are now teenagers.
How has anyone handled the deployments with teens that read, listen, and comprehend the news? That can tell time and count calendar days?
For my high schooler we have signed up for the deployed kids partner program but they haven’t started it yet. For my middle schooler I have asked that his counselor talk with him briefly every couple weeks.
My plan so far is to keep them in their routines, keep them busy, supplement with a couple grandparent visits to Oki and a trip to mainland. Other than that we are planning on a special dinner out on our anniversary, the day he leaves, each month. I am hoping this will give us a way of collectively celebrating we made it another month while continuing to explore great restaurants.
Any other suggestions are welcomed.
Wow, there was no need to be take such offense, Sheena. I clearly stated that everyone should do what is best for them. “Running home” was the term used in the original post, which I why I used it again. I PERSONALLY don’t feel that women/mothers were “created to be helpers”–that’s not a belief system that I subscribe to, and I PERSONALLY feel that I can and have done a lot better that “just” pulling it off. The question in the original post was how do YOU help YOUR children deal with deployments, and that’s exactly the question I answered. If opinions that may differ from the original feeling of the post aren’t welcome, I’m glad to know that now before I make the mistake of “inflicting guilt” again.
I wasn’t going to comment on this since I don’t have kids, until I realized that I do have experience with this situation – just as the kid instead of the parent! My dad retired after 21 years in the Army. My parents had six kids, of which I am the youngest. My dad did more deployments than I ever care to have to go through with my husband! But with each one, my mom and dad kept everything the same for the kids. They did not want to uproot us and disrupt our routine. We were taught that these separations were part of dad’s job. In my parent’s minds, there was no difference in my dad working away from us or his regular job on base except that he didn’t come home for dinner every night. And we didn’t go to our extended families when he was doing his regular job so there was no reason to do so because he was doing his job somewhere else. For our family, it was the best thing. My mom did much more than just “pull it off” and we saw her for the truly amazing and strong woman that she was. Obviously, this isn’t for everyone. Every family is different. But, please know that plenty of mom’s are perfectly capable of handling everything on their own and doing a wonderful job at it. On the other hand, there are mom’s who prefer the extra help when dad’s away. But it’s absolutely not fair to lump all mom’s in one group.
I have no problem with anyone going to visit their families back in the states. If you’re lucky enough to be able to do that then go for it! I’d love for my kids to know their family. We haven’t been near any of them for more than a week or two throughout a total of 7 years or so. I can’t imagine how much fun it would be for all of us. The only thing I would feel guilty about would be that my husband couldn’t be there as well to enjoy the time with all of our relatives. Just don’t let anyone let you feel like you’re copping out. There’s nothing wrong with being around those who love us the most. Your children will never think that you can’t handle life without dad and they absolutely will not stop depending on you. They’ll look back and be happy for the time they got to spend with family end of story. Onto the topic at hand now…deployments are such a struggle. They’re even more of a struggle when you have children. We’re on our second mini deployment within the past few months. This one was easier than the first. I’ve found that if I keep the kids out of the house as much as possible and keep us as busy as possible that we’re all much happier at the end of the day. We’ve established new routines. We cope together. We talk to daddy as much as possible and send lots of photos to him. If you don’t have a webcamera, I highly recommend getting one. My soon to be 4 yr old and 9 month old really dig it. Just basically do whatever you need to do to get through it. If you need to go and cry then lock yourself in the bathroom after you put the kids to bed and do it. Call friends, call family, and just get out of the house and stay active. It’ll help you keep your sanity and it’ll make the time pass. Good luck and hang in there! You guys will pull through!
Maybe we are a little weird or something, but for me (so far) it hasn’t been an issue that Daddy is gone for the kids. I just don’t sweat it and I’ve continued like when he was here (even though the last few mths of him being here, he might as well have been gone anyway, so that has probably eased the transition). If the kids talk about ‘is Daddy still on the ship, etc, I just answer them and we’ll chat about it and then go on with the day. I think the biggest thing is to keep busy, but not just ‘schedule’ busy, just busy minds, creating and doing things that you enjoy. It prob also helps that both of mine are in school. I think the whole thing goes in waves of ups and downs and you just have to ride with it. I try and be honest with my feelings ‘it’s a great happy sunny day’ or ‘today I feel tired so we will relax at home’. I try not to focus on him being gone or the date he will be back too much, then it’s not on their minds, stressing them.
The first big deployment he had was 2003, literally everyone was leaving town where I lived and I ‘ran home’ too and it was GREAT, my daughter has fond memories of hanging in London, with the grandparents and cousins and new friends. She still talks about it to this day. I was 3 mths pregnant at the time and it was great to be around family and allow my Mum and Dad to see a newborn grandchild (instead of a 2 week visit)…I also got to see my Grandad before he passed away. Now the kids are in school, and I have 2 of them, etc, I am here, but if going home is what one wants/needs to do, go for it. Do what you need to do. It’s your life!
Coming freshly out of a long 15 month deployment I have a couple things I learned to help my kids while Daddy was gone. First off, he was at basic, school and then deployed so we were kindof used to him being gone, but it got tiresome sometimes.
We set family goals every month. Each child would have something to work on: spirtually, personality, athletically and so on. By doing this they learned to work hard and have fun, but the time really flew by.. We added some trip in there and making friends was a big priority.
We joined the military late in the game but knew first hand that we were going to grow as a family while we lived this lifestyle.
I asked my kids what they remember while Dad was gone and it wasn’t at all about sadness it was “all the stuff I accomplished”. Music to a moms ears.
Last note: I believe to the bottom of my heart.. Mom sets the stage.. I got sad, but really let the feeling stay for a half hour and then turned it around. My attitude was positive and then they followed naturally. Good Luck to you!